The story of the parking spot!

A busy day. Loads of cars on the street. A place. One parking spot looks available, since someone is just backing out. You notice it and you stop strategically a few steps away from that outgoing car. Just a few minutes later, another car pulls up on the opposite side after seeing the outgoing car backing out. Outgoing car backs out, the spot is open, up for taking. What happens? The answer - IT DEPENDS.

If I am somewhere in the non - desi part of North America or UK, I can be sure that I'll get a smile from the other contender, who'll perhaps just shrug and turn his wheel to go look for other spots.

If I am in Mumbai, well, the story is totally different. First, we begin with a slurry of honks. Since everyone is scrounging the parking lot looking for a spot, everyone is slow. But the guy behind me couldn't care less, since for him, I might have slept off behind the wheel. Then when we see this spot, the situation can vary depending on who I am in competition with. If the other contender is a young, brash, spoilt brat driver, I can be assured that I am better off getting out of there. Simply because such kids drive a Honda Civic as if it were a Lamborghini! How they manage to achieve that sportscar kind of pickup in a sedan is beyond me. If it's a woman behind he wheel, forget it, that opportunity for parking is lost. Having to fight for everything in the world, I guess makes them fiercely competitive. Enough to make grabbing that parking place a mortal battle of egos! And if I and the other contender are locked in a non-verbal battle of who can take the spot, a cabbie will thrust his nose in, and park even as we both start hurling abuses his way. And after parking, he'll just turn around, give a couple of abuses himself and walk off!

And if this were happening in Delhi, most of the above cases may remain, except that as a woman driver, I might have to even face a couple of lecherous winks as well! It's almost like giving this premise to 3 different directors - Satyajit Ray, Karan Johar and Sajid Khan! The output is gruesomely different. But that's how they are!!!

Me and cellphone providers -a saga of frustration

A while back I'd put up a post on a super annoying incident I once had with my lost sim card. I had tried to make a joke out of it since I was done being angry about it and clearly being angry about the incident did nothing for me. I found no redemption whatsoever. That account, for those who perhaps missed it is here - 'My run in with the wind guys'.

I would perhaps have let it go, except for the fact that this time around, I was again at the receiving end of painful customer service from another cellular services provider. So the wind guys frustrated me and made me swear never to use them again. (Ages ago, when I first started using cellular services hidden costs of the 'wind' guys cost me 3 months' pocket money. Yet, wiser and with a keener eye for fine print, I adopted them again only to be made to run and beg and scream when I lost my phone.) Nevertheless, now we talk of the 'thought' guys. So on a rebound from the 'wind' guys I ran into the open arms of the 'thought' guy. Thinking newer entrants would be more keen to provide sterling service.

Things were good for a while, till soon I realized that though business functions at the speed of thought, thought itself is rather sluggish. Other providers, at least the 'wind' guys, all else notwithstanding switched to international networks instantaneously. Yeah, a call would cost a bomb, but at least the service was available. But the thought guys were not like that. While in an alien country with sky-rocketing crime rates, when people back home were anxious over the safety of my life and limbs, here I was desperately trying to get through to them and the mystic 3 lines signifying a network were absent. Yeah I had been spoilt by the 'wind' guys, and that was perhaps my folly. But they never said that that service would not be available. But then again, they never said that that service would be available either. Note to self - absence of a negation of something does not necessarily imply positivity of the same. Sound profound, right? Well, at least profundity is the outcome of my flustered moments!

Then came part 2. I had to discontinue a connection with the 'thought' guys. I looked up their site. No link. I called up a local call center. A highly annoying IVR yaps into my ear asking me to choose my language of preference. I do. But not before listening to the same statement being translated into the various languages. Other IVRs usually move to the next level as soon as you choose your option without making you wait to hear all the options. Makes life easy if you know the options or if your option comes earlier on. But here, no. I had to hear 'Hindi ke liye do dabayein' and 'Marathi saathi teen daaba' despite me ferociously hitting 1 for English. Then I navigated to all the other menus, chose my options went all the way till finally the IVR said that my call may be recorded for training. And then the line got cut. So 20 minutes and an annoying IVR voice later, nothing. Period. And I did the whole thing again, went the distance only to end up at the dead end again. And again. And again. I mailed the guys - No response. So though technology may be advanced, face-to-face screaming is an absolute necessity to get things done in India!

So the net result is - I guess I am jinxed with cellphone companies and customer service. So all my thoughts were blown away and starting tomorrow, I need to start trudging towards the physical thought place to get my job done. I wonder what howlarious account this is going to produce. Perhaps No, Na, Nein, Non - part 3??? Watch this space for more...

No, Na, Nein, Non - Part 2

So the last one talked about how people refused to say 'No'. This one is just the opposite, how everything led to the same answer - No. No. Not possible. Never. Non. Nein. Nyet. You get the point, right?

Now this happened to me in a retail shop.

I'd gone to buy something, but picked up something worth double the price, which had a similar packaging - the color of the bottle, the shape, the everything. And in my hurry, I picked it up, assumed a price hike and got out of there. As is my practice, I trashed the bill in the nearest bin and ran along home. After getting home, and arriving at a consumption occasion (pardon the usage, but that's how marketers measure product penetration. Did I just say consumption occasion and product penetration in one line??? Man, I need a vacation). So, when I got around to using the thing, I realized my error. After a few curses under my breath, I went back to the shop.

I said, " I am sorry, I picked up the wrong product yesterday. May I please return this?"

He said, " Bill madam"

I said, " I am sorry, I trashed it."

He said, "No madam. Bill needed madam."

I said, "But I came just yesterday late night. I was the last customer". Given the limited target area around that shop, just fewer than 600 of us shopped at that shop. And I remember my usual store guy back in Mumbai, who remembered us as regular customers, despite serving several hundreds of people each day. So, well, I used a typical statistical tool called 'extrapolation' and applied it to this situation. Note to self - Statistical tools look good only on research papers and Mickey Mouse scenarios used in research. Never in REAL LIFE.

He said, " No madam. Bill needed madam".

I said, "Oh. OK. But you have a computer system. You printed out my bill for me. So please check your past records. You have a product ID, a price paid, a date, everything."

He said, " No madam. Bill needed madam."

A gross lack of empathy. Zero customer focus, treating the customer like cattle, just like a cash register, whose hard earned money is reserved only to fill the coffers of the retailer. I was aghast. Despite being in an age of technology, which is supposed to make life easier, having databases which make searching simpler, records retrievable and preempt the reliance on shabby slips of paper, here I was, trying to convince this guy to shake off the traditional form of doing business and actually USE the technology he was happy scanning and punching numbers into. A couple of more minutes of listening to 'No madam, Bill needed madam', made me realize that my time and sanity were indeed worth a lot more, and it made no sense trying to beat sense into that poor chap on the other side of the counter.

Once bitten twice shy. This time, I went to buy something else, and after getting home, I realized that I had the exact same thing already. But discerning that I am, I had saved the bill. (In the otherwise empty wastepaper basket of my room, nevertheless). So armed with the bill off I marched to get back my money at least this time around.

I said, " Hi, I bought this yesterday. I don't need it. AND I HAVE THE BILL".

He said," Wait madam. I talk to manager".

I thought, "NOW WHAT!!!"

He came back. Looked at the bill.

I said again, " I need to return this. Please can I get a refund? Here is the bill"

He said, " No madam". Bells started shrieking in my head. I almost felt like exploding.

"Madam. Buy something else. No refund of cash."

And I wondered about the desperate attempt at making revenues. Ok, loyalty programs are good to hold on to the customer. But this is not retention, this is detention. I never liked such 'policies' which said 'No cash refund'. In fact several tiny guys use such lopsided policies to extend a vice-like grip on customers. And people who don't like pressure tactics detest such nefarious ways of holding a customer by the scruff of his neck. And I for sure would want to keep my interactions with such retailers to a minimum. Did that already with an apparel retailer. One more added to the list. For the marketing world - Customer is king. For some retailers though I am afraid 'Customer is cattle'...

No na nein non Part 1

Saying 'no' to someone almost certainly the most difficult thing for us to do. People have said that cultures play a role here and Japanese and Chinese perhaps never say no, because its impolite to say 'no' according to their cultures. But for me, I prefer the closure that comes with a no. At least I've cut out the expectation that goes with a 'non-no'. Unfortunately, those who interact with me, do not know this specific preference of mine! And as a result, the anecdotes are plenty. Here are some - The first in a trilogy :)

I lost my cell phone. Yes, sob sob. I loved my Moto, and I lost it. And with it went my sim. The service provider told me that once I'd blocked it, it would be defunct. So I began my expeditions to cancel my sim card. On every trip though, I was met by expressions that began with "WHAAAAAT???? YOU WANT TO CANCEL YOUR SIM CARD???? Oh no! My bonus is gone" and ended with, "Oh Lord, forgive her for she knows not what she does". And several trips and conversations at various octave levels later, I was told that my sim had been laid to rest. All was good with the world, when suddenly one day, a friend of mine said that a guy answered my phone! And that day I was at an all girls pajama party. No I am not telling you what happened at the party, but I was perplexed. The next day, another friend told me about a guy speaking some weird regional dialect when she called my number. And at this point, I went from perplexed to shocked. And the final straw on the camel's back came when my Jason Bourne instincts, made me call my own number. And instead of speaking to myself (don't laugh), I was talking to some guy!

That's it. I called customer service, expecting the issue to be resolved, only to learn that the piped music was 'never say noooooooooo'. So I called, and I waited, and while I was explaining my problem, they kept cutting me mid-sentence, to... tell me my problem!

'Ma'am, you have a number with us for so long.'

I wish I'd said (IWIS) - 'reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally? I wonder why!!!' I said, "Yes, you see, I'd lost..."

'Ma'am you reported a lost sim card 2 days ago'

IWIS - 'Thank you for telling me, I had been hunting for it in my safety deposit box' I said," Yes, so the issue..."

'Ma'am, we've issued a new sim card and it has been operational since yesterday'

IWIS - 'Ah! indeed. I wonder who's cell phone I am calling from!!!' But by this time, I was a tad angry. Sensing my irritation, she quickly asked me what my problem was. I told her, and she gave me a complaint number and said that she'd revert. I let a day go, with newer reports of strange men receiving my phone calls.

The next day I called again, and the same process repeats, with a guy this time. And yes, I got a different complaint number. This went on, till one day, I said, "Can you or can you not help me?"

"Yes, ma'am, we can. Here is your complaint number".

"Enough of complaint numbers, connect me to your manager."

"I am sorry ma'am, but what would that be regarding?"

IWIS ' I want to ask him out you moron!!' I said, "I am frustrated with complaint numbers, and I want you to tell me whether you can solve my problem, yes or no."

"Yes ma'am. Our person is looking into it. Meanwhile, please note your COMPLAINT NUMBER"

And that was when I solved my problem with one simple message. With a boiling temper, I got to writing my message - 'Hey everyone, please note my new number ......'

Quick and dirty? I guess not...

So yesterday's post was all on how I'd like the GMAT life - quick, no waiting, life in perpetual motion. The more I think about how life is these days, I guess we are indeed inching towards that end goal.

Till a few decades ago, books and fiction had Great Expectations from the Mayor of Casterbridge or Tess of the D'urbervilles, where descriptions of the context covered more than half the book. Stories were replete with maps, descriptions of the perfect evenings, or detailed descriptions of a lady's beauty, ending with a strong line like 'Estella was between pretty and beautiful'! Short stories were so short that a 500 page tome typically housed 6 stories! I can understand the motivations behind the voluminous mode of writing back then! They were the dark ages, and unlike the days of today, people truly had precious little to do!

And then the Chase era began. The race against time and a villain to reach the truth. James Hadley Chase, Erle Stanley Gardner (maybe it was the fact that they all had 3 words in their names, that made them write crisper!). But that era pushed the erstwhile granddaddies of fiction into the hall of fame called 'literature'. A dusty corner of huge school libraries (where only the bold literature graduates dared to venture into) was dedicated to those who created the genre called fiction.

But even that got too slow, and Arthur Hailey and Robert Ludlum made their grand entry. Hailey and Ludlum, had a following, and they became 'thinking writers' - it took one some cogitative effort to fathom the plot, but the die-hard loyalists never left their side. For a while they caught the peoples' fancy, till a certain Mr. Sheldon made his foray into fiction. After that, speedy, crisp, page-turning writing became the flavor of the season.

Take cricket for instance. I know of cricket fans who to date spend their winter holidays watching the Boxing Day test match! But the proportion of such fans has since come down tremendously. At a point of time a decade ago, people spent hours watching a one-day series. Great duels were set as day-and-night matches to draw bigger crowds. Then came twenty20. If one can see 2 matches (4 teams) on one day, why spend time watching 50 overs per team? There is only so much a team can do, and what they can't achieve in 20 overs, they can't achieve in 50 overs, became the belief. Short and crisp was the mantra here as well!

Now I wonder how far this can go. Can it go the way we used to play cricket as kids? One over per team - since all of us used to want to bat (and only one kid used to bring the bat to the game)? That sure can be fun to watch, although unless the teams dressed in sharp contrasts like say red teams and blue teams, the viewer would be stumped! English country decorum of white cricket uniforms would have to go out the window! As for books - Shakespeare once wrote - Brevity is the soul of wit. Little did he know while writing Hamlet that this would indeed be personified in the art of writing several years thence! So brace yourselves for the one paragraph short story in the future. I sure don't think I can write those!! (My blog is a testimony to that :) )

You're worth it and you don't know it!

When L'Oreal says, "because you're worth it", trust that statement! Honestly. The average consumer has no clue how much conglomerates spend to try to understand the cogitations transpiring in that tiny little head of his (or hers). Now, for the average consumer, going and purchasing clothes washing soap is a mundane task. Something that needs to be done, for fear of the maid not washing clothes! Or worse still, washing the clothes in plain water and walking away! But it is amazing to think of the amount a company would pay in terms of money and time, to simply understand whether the color blue or the color yellow appeals to you in a washing powder! Or better still, to understand whether shelf placement a few centimeters to the right matters more than say keeping it to the left! Some research has shown that companies pay more for placement to the right than to the left, since majority of consumers are right handed. I was stumped! Since what is 'left' to us is actually right, perhaps if we move a foot to the left, get it? No? Well, please remember this line next time you walk into a mall to pick up toothpaste and let this be your a-ha moment of the day!

Studies on purchase behaviors abound. Studies on repurchase behaviors are even more numerous. Studies show that people get tempted to pick up more than they need just because the product is on promotional sale, and that many-a-time, the product picked is actually sub-standard and such that they perhaps won't pick it up if the product were not on sale! There are studies showing which portions of the brain light up in response to certain forms of ad communications! I could go on and on about such topics, but what fascinates me the most is the deeper linkage of a mundane purchase activity with sub-conscious cognitive skills, that we perhaps never knew existed!

Take for instance the whole Tiger Woods episode. Now 'High Performance, Delivered', the tag line of Accenture just took on a corny new meaning! But the flip side of celebrity endorsements could not have been more stark. Both in terms of Accenture's image and in terms of the harsher side of celebrity. One of my earlier posts - titled the devil within us spoke about the flip side of celebrity. And Tiger Woods is exactly a case in point. When the going is good, marketers egg us to go and be a tiger. And at first signs of negative associations, they drop the poor (sorry filthily rich) guy like a hot potato! They wish to shun any association, unmindful of the eyeballs and revenues he had brought in just a few months ago. Some question the credibility of the brand, and ask how loyal would they be to their customers, if they bite the hand that feeds them! But then, there are some more who say that the brand can convert this whole crisis into something deeper, something that can result in greater advertizing equity! And all this really at times makes me wonder about the 'Truman Show' called our lives! And I am talking about not just the circus that has become of Tiger Woods' life, but the whole aspect of mind games when it comes to reaching the customer. Somewhere, politics seems to have permeated the world of 'customer-product relationships', where sympathy, shock tactics and blatant attention grabbing methods seem to be playing out.

Then again, can we hold marketers responsible? The competitive landscape is such these days with over 20 brands vying for that 100 rupees in your wallet. And Darwin's theory still very much holds - and to be fit in extraordinary times, you do need extraordinary measures. So, till you see your own face on a reality show, sit back and observe the fun!

Bliss supreme - the evening after exams!!

Exams, exams, exams. I remember a time a couple of terms ago, when I sat melancholy on one of the 'kattas' of ISB and thought (as usual, a day before a deadly exam) - about the pathetic life I was leading. I left home and work and came here to study and ended up being examined every two weeks. Trust me, exams are worse than tooth exams or even the dreaded root canal! And I did some math. Given the number of subjects and given that almost every subject I took had a mid term and an end term, I would have on average given all of 64 EXAMS by the time I got out of here!!! And when I was thinking along those lines, I realized that I had only just crossed exam number 10!

And today, having finished 50% of term 6 at ISB, I do feel lighter, happier, that in the beam balance of exams, the pan of completed exams weighs more than the unfinished ones. Exams are tough. They are stressful. To the extent that many of my colleagues nowadays choose elective subjects that do not have exams at all! The email that used to come in a few terms ago stating that the Rec would be closed for exams used to send many of us into a 'dukhi tailspin'. And the thought used to be - 'Lo aa gaya aur ek torture'.

So much for the sad part of exams. There has to be a good side too, right? Well, if you expect me to speak about how exams nurture competition and help to separate the quality from the quantity and how exams are by and far the best things to happen to humanity since penicillin, WELL, YOU GOT ME WRONG! The best part about exams is the time when they end! Yes, the end of exams is the best part about exams. Just as we were walking home from exams today, a friend of mine mentioned the supreme bliss one experiences when an exam is over. I couldn't agree more with her. It almost is as though the pressure valve on a vessel were allowed to let out steam. The wind seems crisper, afternoons go from being sweltering to mellow and sunny. All of a sudden the chirping of birds is musical, even the crowing of an occasional crow! Task lists look prettier, with tasks like rent movie, order pizza, party, figuring multiple times on the list. Hours don't seem long any more, as you watch 3 movies back to back till the wee hours of the morning! And why? Well, we've worked hard - (or so we claim) and once the 2 hours of testing are done, the feeling is exhilarating.

'How the exam went' is an inconsequential question. We are only bothered about the fact that the exam is over. You may ask me about my motivation behind this post after terms and terms of painful exams. And my answer is - I really don't know. Perhaps bottled sentiments, after so long are getting an expression out here. There is another event tied to exams that demands mention. And that is the day before the last exam! I still remember my days at school where I'd plan more and study less on the day before the last exam. I'd plan where I'd go, what I'd do after getting home from the exam, what movie I'd watch, where I'd go out with a friend, etc etc, you get the picture. Poor old Geography exam - always the last, cared for the least. But one thing is for certain. I sure as hell will miss this supreme bliss and joy once I am out of academics, since the emotions before and after a last exam are practically unparalleled in every other walk of life!!!

So much for the blog, now back to some merrymaking!!

Attention Deficiency Syndrome....

"I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra check’s are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my check’s, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
—-the car isn’t washed,
—-the bills aren’t paid,
—-there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
—-the flowers don’t have enough water,
—-there is still only 1 check in my check book,
—-I can’t find the remote,
—-I can’t find my glasses,
—-and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail."

After a very long time, I got this forward again today. When I first got it, I laughed my head off. But today when I got it, I realized how identical I am to the narrator.... So I'll leave my blog here since I need to make a note of this in my diary - as a note to self to be more focused in future. But first, I'll check my email. Oh Leena's gettin married, I got the invitation on email. Lemme go call her, I'll write in my diary soon after. Oh! But I need to get that dress from the dry cleaners if I am to go for that wedding. Off I walk out the door. Oops, the lightbulb outside needs to be fixed, I'll just do that right now.........

An outrageously funny snippet in Pak media

Now, I can't really generalize about all of Pakistani media, but thanks to Youtube, I received a link to an outrageously funny take on the Mumbai terror attacks. Now, I am sure that neither the presenter - a bumbling, clumsy presenter by name Qudsia Qadri (let's call her QQ), nor the guests - some defence analyst and some member of the Pak Parliament would have intended to make the show akin to a sitcom, but the kind of things they said - hideously howlarious.

First, at the start of the show, QQ says that over 135 people are killed in the bomb blasts in Mumbai. Eh? When did that happen?????? Maybe Intelligence needs to take note!!! Second, she speaks about the death of two key people who were investigating the Samjhauta express blast, while they were at the Taj. ???? When did that happen????? Then she goes on about how Pak has been the victim of ire all the time, in spite of their innocence. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN???????????? Funniest of all. A passport size photo of Mr Ram Jethmalani springs up, and QQ quotes from a certain 'interview'. Mr Jethmalani apparently gave Pak a clean chit, she says. HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Now, how do we know whether the voice is indeed his voice - like a blogger noted. Second, the voice said that it did not understand the rationale of terrorists, since terrorists were just accruing global ire against Islamic nations. I didn't hear Pak or clean chit anywhere!!!! Even funnier??? This interview goes across the border, without any of us Indians knowing!!!!!!!!!! And like some intellectually profound thinker, QQ asks - '24 hours on, why couldn't the commandos kill the terrorists?' Ahem, QQ, I guess that's because there were HOSTAGES involved, who incidentally had to be rescued as well!!!!

Then came the guests. One defence analyst, who actually said that unlike in the case of the 9/11 attacks that had been deftly orchestrated by Amaaricans, Indians did a shoddy job in case of the terror attacks on Mumbai. Apparently we Indians tried to garner sympathy and made massive fools of ourselves! He went on to say that these attacks were the beginning of the end of the Indian federation! INTELLIGENCE... PLEASE NOTE.........Then he continued ranting about how the terrorists look Hindu, because one wore a saffron band - not worn by Muslims... Hello..... What about the huge rage amongst youngsters post the Lance Armstrong phenomenon???? Almost everyone wore some band???!!!???????????? AND WHEN HARD EVIDENCE, AND THE WORLD INTELLIGENCE ALIKE POINT TO THE LeT, how did they become Hindu???????The guy had the nerve to say that Indians have no brains!! Try telling that to Sabeer Bhatia, Vinod Khosla, Rajat Gupta, Ambanis, Azim Premji, Narayan Murthy, APJ Abdul Kalam, DR. MANMOHAN SINGH!!!! And all this while QQ says Ji Ji Ji... Hahahaaaaaaaa.. She reminded me of Johnny Bravo! Honest!!!

Then came some Maarvi Memon - MP, of PMLQ. She called Pakistan, India's peaceful neighbor. She spewed venom about how we, Indians, who did not know how to handle our own 'homegrown terrorists' kept training our guns on Pak, without looking at our own 'issues'. QQ spoke of our top 3 terror groups. ' Left Wing extremists', 'Left wing terrorists' and I guess she forgot to mention the third group. Or perhaps someone cut it out, cos it said - 'PAKISTAN'. Hello!! Madam, our biggest issue is on the left side of the Western border, not any other left whatever!!!

But at the end of it all, if this is the kind of crap that is fed to Pakistanis, I feel sorry for them, since the whole world is decidedly having a laugh.... Here is your dose of laughter.... for today....

Bail out to sail out....How much is too much?

Help!! SOS!!! Bail me out! These words resound all over the place. A month ago, the biggies of Investment Banking - Bear Stearns was the first to buckle. Then, Lehman, Merill Lynch and JP Morgan, saw the red. Black rock became DSP Black Rock. AIG was 'rescued'. Lehman became 'Nomura'. It was a massive bloodbath - so to say, with other global biggies clamoring to devour the spoils. There were talks of people wanting to purchase the hardware assets of Lehman - the servers, routers, cables, et al. Understandable, since IB needs a robust infrastructure, and so decidedly these 'assets' would fetch a lot more. Clearly that was true, since all said and done, these were tangible assets, unlike the banks' prized high priced assets called Collateralized Debt Obligation instruments - which actually brought about the mayhem. The economy showed signs of collapse, recession - of global proportions. The pillars of economic boom crumbled like a pack of cards. And before one could blink, the symbols of growth and economic prosperity were gone! At the threshold of B school, people dream of a job at Lehman or JPMC. And now, those entities are gone without a trace. The feeling is akin to that felt by one who flew out of NY on Sept 10, 2001 and came back on Sept 12, 2001.

So the banks are down and out, people are seeing the value of their real estate assets plummeting earthwards, the stock markets that hold a greater part of the Western World's hard earned money are going through negative uncharted territory, people are losing jobs, uncertainty prevails. Human nature - when it is uncertain whether I would have a job tomorrow, I wouldn't wish to go buy Jimmy Choos! Oh, well, I may wish, but I wouldn't get myself to go buy em! So no one wants to invest in investment bank funds and portfolios. They demand capital protection. They do not want 'negative' ROI - at least. So, when no one buys, who buys? Uncle SAM!!! The result - bailout packages for AIG, nationalization of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, 700 Billion dollars worth of taxpayers' money forms the Herculean backbone against which the crumbling pillars of the American (I'd rather say Western - Barclays was rescued as well) economy. Citigroup is the newest entrant into the 'Bhikmangoo' group, screaming, "Rescue me, I messed up!!" At the end of it all, it seems like Lehman and JPMC were not favored! But how long can the government condone 'overdrives', mismanagement and a gross lack of prudence?

Incidentally I seem to have overshot my credit card limit while I was busy being fascinated (read enchanted) by Louis Vuitton, and Jimmy Choo. Can the government bail me out as well? Please?

The Blackberry Revolution

The other day, I received a mail from a friend at 3:30 am. Nothing very important. Just a response to the usual 'Hey Wassup' email. The response was a two liner and the tag line said - 'Sent via Blackberry'. Whoa! This got me thinking about the great Blackberry Revolution.

In a previous post I had spoken about the sea change in technology in a gap of just a few years. There was a time, when mail meant ordinary post. And now,the same ordinary post has been christened 'snail mail' and technology is developing at a feverish pace for getting the world closer. And now, the whole buzzword called 'collaboration' is almost reaching a crescendo, with people being forever accessible on cellphones and email. And I mean forever, thanks to the Blackberry revolution! There was a time, when people's contact numbers were their desk numbers at work and only the closest quarters were provided the sacrosanct home numbers. One wasn't supposed to call up another's home, unless it was a 'Mayday situation'. And now, thanks to the cellphone, all sense of decency in terms of not disturbing someone at 1 am at night has gone to the dogs! One receives messages and emails at the dinner table, and these tasks are 'immediate actionables'. Thank God for spoons since immediate action means an immediate jab on the text editor of the cell phone or Blackberry. The last task of the day no longer remains listening to calm music or reading a book. The last task of the day is one last check of the email, and responses therein. But then again, that check may not be the last check, since there could be a call or a message at 2 am at night, and you could send out another response at 2:05 am, jabbing at the keys of your blackberry like a man or a woman possessed.

No doubt, technology makes life a lot easier. I remember reading an article on the i-phone's acceptance in Japan. The article described a day in the life of a certain Claude, and how his cell phone was his true companion for everything. And no, what was written was not an exaggeration, since people do swipe cell phones at payment counters in Tokyo! Here's the excerpt that appealed to me the most and I quote -

"If the iPhone is the holy grail of hardware and software design, then Japanese cell phones are the holy grail of convergence devices. In no other part of the world will you find a phone that checks email, trade stocks, watch TV, act as a charge card, plays music, interface with other phones, act as portable computer, book tickets, 3+ megapixel cameras, unlock doors, remotely control other devices, GPS navigation, mobile shopping, bar code and fingerprint scanners, push to talk with multiple people, video chatting and conferencing, and of course . . . cell phone.

I spoke to my Japanese friend and asked him what he thought about the iPhone. Most people in America love it. Most of the press are enamored. To preface, Claude is a 27y.o. Japanese male I met in my college days. He lives right outside Tokyo working as a textile designer. He thinks the iPhone is super sexy. To him, it doesn't look like any other phone out there. He loves how slim it is and is completely smitten with the multi-touch interface, but when asked if he'd give up his Sharp branded phone; he says no.

Claude's typical day starts with him checking his email on his phone. He gets all his daily tasks and calendaring events this way. He then syncs it with his computer. He pays for the subway by placing the phone on a kiosk granting him access past the gates. The commute is spent watching TV on his phone by rotating the screen. A small antenna extends up and catches the wireless digital TV signals (something we will never have here in America). About 45 minutes later, he's in Tokyo and heads to a vending machine to buy fresh fruit and water. He places the phone up against a pad. The vending machine reads his bank information which is tied into his phone. He then places his thumb on the phone's tiny thumbprint reader to verify his identity. As he makes his way to the office, he waves the phone near the door handle to unlock it. During a 10 minute break, he's flips thru a magazine and sees something he wants to buy. The item has a tiny stamp size barcode pictogram next to it. He scans the pictogram with his phone. A receipt and shipping confirmation hits his email minutes later. As the day ends, he syncs with his work computer and goes grocery shopping paying for items with his phone. Before heading home, he heads to a bar his friend has invited him too. He uses the phone to give him step-by-step directions. The day is finally over and his phone's battery is nearing the end of its life. He plugs it in and goes about the rest of the evening relaxing before bed"

Sounds nice? Well, it would be, if technology managed to just be an assistant. But in today's world of the 'forever busy' individuals, sending emails in the dead of the night just seems sooooo 'kewl' that people literally end up being servile dependents of technology. Slavish maybe! It looks cool, it looks busy, it looks important, but it is addictive! A friend of mine once complained how her husband didn't find time to talk to her at home, and so, she hijacked him to a coffee shop, only to find him busy punching deals into his Blackberry in response to a continuous Bloomberg feed! She, being at her wits' end later remarked that her father who had no jazzy gadgets to help him was equally, if not more accomplished in life and so, all these cranky objects are just a reason to be inefficient and disorganized. Wow! This got me thinking. Do we really need to get so attached to technology? Does our or for that matter any line of work truly warrant emails and messages at 2 am at night? That too when the recipients are in my own time zone? Is this addiction the reason why all advertisements for vacations scream 'Reclaim your life' or 'Freedom from cellphones' or 'Break Free'? Hmm... So, late tonight, after a day of continuous emails, calls and messages, at work, I was finally enjoying a cup of coffee and yet again, the phone began to ring. And this time, I decided to act differently.... Coffee with music - a deadly combination and indeed one of the biggest advantages of having your favorite song as your cell phone's ringtone!

Moody Monday : An endless boxing match

Late night yapping sessions with friends are similar to drunken night outs. Honest. They make you deliriously high as long as you keep chitchatting about things as crazy as old school nonsense to modern day work politics. You don't realize how sleepy you are till the time you finally hit the sack. And we actually hit the sack at 5:30 am, since somewhere in some obscure school book we learnt that humans sleep at night. The result? The next morning and the day after, are spent in a quasi 'drunken stupor'. People liken you to the Lotus Eaters or the sloths. Or even the slug that feasts happily on the leaves of your potted plant.

One such 'friendly hangover' later, dawned a hideous Monday morning in the boxing match of my life. Round 1. And I could hear the gong go 'BONGGGGG'. Or was that just my alarm clock? Note to self - Nickelback's Fight for all Wrong Reasons must be removed from being my alarm sound. I refused to believe the fact that the Monday had dawned. I drearily pulled myself out of bed, and proceeded toward the mundane tasks that comprise the 'waking up' process. Ever wondered how you always feel under the weather on a Monday morning? I am sure I was running a temperature today morning, as I woke up. But who'll listen? At least in school I needed a leave note. At work, if I give in to the 'I am sick on Monday Morning' syndrome, I lose the opportunity of taking the day off when the blues get absolutely unbearable. So, sigh! I then headed out to the world in my living room, only to find my coffee on the table, and company missing. My folks wanted to subtly tell me that they had a very hectic schedule and helping me beat my Monday blues was by and far the last thing on their mind. So all alone for a coffee with no one to crib to. Round 2. Yet again ... BONGGGGGGG. Then, bidding a near - poignant goodbye to the cosy confines of my house, I headed out into the hostile mean Monday world.

I have already been preoccupied with a certain gnawing anxiety over the past few days and the fight with my thoughts and 'What If' analyses has been another duel in itself. "But the human mind has a tendency to turn towards the gnawing thoughts, and so, always train yourself to live in the present moment", so said a realized soul. I shook away the dovetailing thoughts and came back to reality. Not because I was reminded of the preacher's words, but because of a terrible honk that blared into my ear drums almost rupturing them. It was a clear sky, but a not so clear road. It was a bright sunny morning, but a dark gray smoky surrounding. And the cabbie I got was the kind you can only encounter in nightmares. He drove as if he was more keen to hit a traffic light, than to get me to office on time. Even a bicycle overtook us. He chose not to take a crucial flyover at Sion, because he 'forgot'. When I reprimanded him for the same, he took it upon himself to take all available flyovers. The result, he 'forgot' the section where he was supposed to go under a flyover and ended up going over it instead. Round 3. BONGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Frustrated with the chap and not wanting to go till the end of city limits hunting for a place to make a U-turn, I got off and decided to walk back a short - cut to office. So, with three kilos on my shoulder, and a hundred kilos of irritation, I trudged along. Round 4. BONGGGGGGGG.

I got to work, and all hell broke loose. I had drafted a meticulous plan of action for my team this week, and suddenly, I was told that almost my whole team had been whisked off out of Mumbai on an urgent project. But my project, my deadlines? 'You figure it out'. Round 5, 6 and 7. An extra loud BONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Eight people had eight hundred questions to ask me. I had eight thousand questions to ask, with the first question being, "who do I ask the Seven Thousand Nine Hundred and Ninety Nine questions to?" A client wanted a report. I needed 3 reports from my team. Two guys in Bangalore called to say that they wouldn't be able to send some crucial data since they had been called off to a very important meeting. My colleague in Chennai who was to send me 2 very important reports called to say that he was on leave since he had a stomach upset. My tea was cold. I was asked to go to another corner of the city in 3 hours. Wait. Someone would confirm whether I'd need to go. A member of my team (only one of the remaining two who were spared the critically urgent out of Mumbai project), came over to say that she was supposed to go on a one-day meeting somewhere. Gongs were going off. Round 8, 9, 100, 1000. And amidst this cacophony, someone said, "Sindhu lunch?" I headed out, and greedily took a spoonful of the vegetable I'd brought. Youchhhhhh. I ended up like a leaky faucet. Lunch was ruined as well. Round 10,003. BONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Lost in the labyrinthine ways of the day, I finally looked at my watch. 7:45 pm. The office was almost empty. The working day was finally over. The manic Monday was finally done. A colleague was leaving and he asked me how long it'd take me to get home. In a buoyant mood on account of finally having conquered the Monday, I nonchalantly replied - 20 minutes. "Wow! that's truly lucky. It takes me nothing less than an hour to get home!", he mused. I smiled, shrugged, packed up and left. God damn the roads of Mumbai. They build flyovers everywhere. 'A small sacrifice for a better tomorrow', they say. Tomorrow? Well, the vehicles line up on top and below the flyover. For Mumbaikars, the song we sing is,

'The Road is not enough.
But it is such a perfect place to waste my time.
The Road is not enough.
Flyovers're such a perfect way to spend my evening.
The Road is not enough.... The Road is not enough....'
(To be sung along the tune of The world is not enough).

So a small move by the cab was a prelude to a large wait in the traffic jam. So inch by inch, I managed to reach home. In not 20 minutes, but in 120 minutes. Whoopa. Gongs kept clanging like temple bells. Round 2,00,003, I guess. I lost count. I lost the power to count. I finished dinner and I so wanted to get myself out of my sad, dejected, melancholy mood. I so wanted to spend half an hour by the seaside, listening to the soothing waves with the cool, gentle, salty sea breeze brush against my face. So I asked my father whether I could just drive down to Worli Sea Face and be back within the hour. Unflinchingly, he gave me an emphatic No. 'You must be insane to expect me to say yes to you driving at this hour,' he jeered. This was the loudest BONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG in ages. Sad, dejected and rejected, I walked off to my room. Mom said, " Read your Bible, and go to sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day". So I took her advice and soon after finishing this post, I am off to my 'Biblical jaunt'..... Jason Bourne beckons...... For the sixth time.

A crooked look at the new cloning miracle.....

Japanese have just managed to clone cryogenically preserved species of dead rats! This could be a giant step in genetics, since so far we have only managed to clone living species, right from Dolly the sheep. This whole field of genetics and DNA studies is again a key field of our times.Not just in science but in countless books and movies over the years. Jurassic Park, Chromosome 6, The Sixth Day, imagination has been fraught with grotesque projections of the flipside of meddling with nature.

So, how can we imagine a world of the future? Evolution crossed with species of the past? Neo - humans along with dinosaurs? A cross between 'Planet of the Apes' and 'Jurassic Park'? Well, for a city like Mumbai, or for that matter any megalopolis, it is a picture fraught with despair. We are unable to drive on roads on account of the potholes, and huge construction activities happening on Indian roads. With an imminent 'poor man's car - the Nano', the bleak just got bleaker. As if the small car phenomenon instituted in India by the Japs was not enough, now we are going to have mammoths, dinosaurs and dodos on Indian roads - thanks to the Japs again. Dodos are already present in the form of Indian drivers, but we'd probably get to see the maestro of stupidity - the real dodo. So, a giant leap forward for mankind in genetics that has been taken by creating species that could have been seen had we taken a giant leap backward in evolution, could leave us with space not even enough to take an inch step in any direction on Indian roads......

All this humor apart - Let's take a moment to pay respects to the man who immortalized dinosaurs for our generation - Michael Crichton - one of my favorite and I guess one of the best authors of science fiction - who passed away yesterday. My respects to a man who gladdened a world......